On Tuesday, I talked about responding vs. reacting.  Today I want to talk about the need to be in control and how it relates to some of the reasons we become reactionary.  Much of my professional reading has taught me that people who need to control usually come from a childhood background that was chaotic and overly oppressive. Of course, this can be on many levels from very little to extreme. These children grow up in conditions where they never felt heard, never participated in decision making or felt particularly safe. Truthfully, this probably hits home with many of us.  Our desire to be in control comes from our deep need to have control over our lives.  As adults, our controlling behavior plays out as attempts to take charge of or change people, places and things.    

Unfortunately, for most people attempting to be in control creates tremendous frustration for themselves and the people they know.  This is because it is impossible to change others or be totally in charge of our environment.  If we think we can, then we are deluding ourselves, feeding deep levels of frustration.

Here’s where the relationship between the need to control and reactionary behavior comes in.  When we can’t control we feel powerless. Typically the more powerless we feel the more we try to control. We start becoming defensive, criticize others, feel the need to prove or justify why we are right, or act impatiently. Most importantly it typically diverts us from the issue at hand.  Once we are into reaction and /or the need to control, our power has slipped away.  For suggestions on stopping controlling behavior read Tuesday’s Standing Strong blog.

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