What makes us react to someone else’s pressure? Usually it is tied to a “need to please and be accepted”. For many people it is hard to set a boundary with someone who is applying pressure. We often become fearful: “I will not be considered a team player”, “I will be fired” or “they will not like me anymore”. It is usually the same people who then complain that they are overworked, underpaid and are not getting ahead.
Every situation that arises gives us the opportunity to be “reactive or responsive”. When we react we are putting another’s needs before our own. Our fears get in the way of putting ourselves first. The best thing we can do is to step back and take a pause. During this pause, we can think about the situation and look at how we are “feeling” (usually our reaction) and then what we truly need. Once we have figured that out, it will allow us to go back and properly negotiate.
Early on one of my mentors taught me that “reacting” will get me nowhere and that learning to “respond” will help me gain what I need, including the respect of the other individuals involved. It was a painful process but once I started practicing it, it became clear that people were respecting me more and most importantly, I was respecting and feeling so much better about myself.
Recently, Gene, a NY client, told me that he had a great relationship with a vendor for several years but for some reason this past summer there were several serious problems with their staff and the service he was receiving. His usual response would have been to yell and scream at both the employees and the owner of the company. After being coached, he responded differently. Rather than simply yell or complain each time there was a problem, Gene took a pause, thought the situation through and asked the vendor to be honest and tell him what was causing the problems? He didn’t threaten but showed understanding of the situation and even asked how he could help correct things. This opened a dialogue that made it a win/win for everyone. Eventually they worked out the problems and actually made some improvements in the way they were working together. In the end, everyone came out ahead and Gene was able to keep the vendor and create a solid relationship with the staff. Seems simple, yes but difficult to accomplish. Remember responding not reacting is a better approach and that will pay off big time in the end.
Arlene – outstanding post. Thanks for the reminder to pause. For me to be empathetic, I have to pause and remember where the other party is or has added value to me.
“Gene’s New Behavior” is a wonderful example of how the outcome of situations can change by changing our attitude and our response to situations. I love your “reaction vs response” scenario. We always have a choice in what we think about and how we react or respond to situations. Emotional responses to “bad” or unfortunate events are usually not as effective as well thought out responses. When we act out of emotion…in the moment, we can oftentimes regret how we reacted. However, if we are thoughtful, and make the decision to calm our emotions before responding, we are more likely to live with the manner in which the situation was handled, without regrets. Morever, if we choose wisely, our response can turn an otherwise “bad” situation into a very positive experience.
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Glad you found me. I blog at least two times a week. Check out my website and get some free info and my newsletter– http://www.arlenerosenberg.com
[...] After twenty years of coaching and working with hundreds of people, I’ve learned that nothing is that important that it cannot wait until the next day. Unless the situation is life or death it is best not to “react but respond”. There are very few people I know who do not want to do their best. Most of us however, forget that it is very hard to excel at what we do when we react to our own or someone else’s pressure, or impatience. More…… [...]
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