In order for change to occur there must be a letting go, a surrender.  Most people think of surrender as a loss of freedom, a defeat or a weakness.  The primary definition of change, however, is to give something up in order to get something else.  Only when you can accept that your old ways and patterns are no longer serving you will you be able to let go of your old behaviors and perceptions.  In the  3 step formula I’ve developed for coaching I³ = c + p + s integration is the stage where you become aware of these behaviors and perceptions as you are doing them and recognize how they prevent you from succeeding and having the things in life you desire.   It leads to the third stage implementation where you begin to do new behaviors instead of the old ones.

Yesterday I worked with a client who had been assigned homework that required her to catch and observe herself every time she did “care-taking behavior” both with her employees and at home.  Before this assignment we had other exercises and discussions that helped her discover the behaviors that were preventing her from getting a promotion.  These exercises helped with the first stage of the formula identifying and becoming aware of the behaviors that prevent you from succeeding.  She learned that she was helping everyone around her and they had become dependent on this.  In addition she was not standing strong with management around certain issues. 

After observing the “care-taking behavior” my client stated that, “it happened more times than she thought it would” and made her very conscientious of her actions and behaviors as well as her attitudes toward certain situations. She also said that by observing herself she made attempts to stop the behavior or just acknowledge that she noticed it after the fact.  Then, she told herself, “I will do it differently next time around”.

The example above shows us that in order for change to be effective we must look within to get to the root of our issues, discomforts, doubts and old beliefs.  We also must go within to work on changing these behaviors.  This is not a linear process.  Instead we go back and forth through the different stages until we truly have let go of the old and integrated the new.  One or two days of practice does not permanently change you.   Like all new habits and behaviors it takes a great deal of behavioral observation and practice.  Slow and steady does with the race is what I always tell my clients.  Over time, it is amazing what we can change and the results it brings.

On Tuesday, I wrote about the optimism of the longest living Holocaust Survivor, Alice Herz-Sommer.  Today’s blog is about how to become positive and optimistic.  When you make an effort to work on these two attributes daily, a new life arises.

Quantum physics explains the universal Law of Cause and Effect.  Simply stated whatever you concentrate on you are going to attract and create in your life. It means that if you are thinking negatively you are going to get negative results.  For example, if you keep thinking you will not succeed at something you want to do differently, chances are you will not. Remember, all of our thoughts are energy.  Like energy is drawn to like energy.

Are you willing to take responsibility for yourself and begin rooting out the fears and negativity that prevent you from having what you want?  You have a choice to make your life a horror story, a mediocre play or a Broadway Extravaganza.  Which are you going to choose?  Your thoughts have incredible power.  Unfortunately, most people do not pay attention to what they are saying or thinking.  We repeat most of our thoughts over and over.  Therefore, if your thinking mainly negative thoughts, which most of us do, we are rending ourselves powerless.

The place to start is to observe your thinking. Our thoughts work for or against us.  Our mind works like a computer.  It doesn’t care whether we think positively or negatively.  We must understand that for every effect in our lives, there is a thought pattern that precedes and maintains it.

At times letting go of old thinking can be brutal, think of a person who struggles with addiction, it’s no different.  Your self-sabotaging thoughts are so ingrained in you that you live totally unaware of them.   The truth is:  every negative thought is a lie.  Your small little ego which takes up a minute portion of your sub-conscious is holding you hostage.  This is why having a mastermind group, mentor or coach will be invaluable.  They will be able to support you in ways that will force you to look at yourself and your denials and break through them.

People stay successful because they are tenacious and never give up on improving themselves.  They work hard at keeping great positive energy and being passionate.  You can have it, too.  Just make the commitment!

Yesterday, we posted in our Words of Wisdom Monday a wonderful YouTube trailer of the upcoming documentary video about a very special lady who is the oldest survivor of the Holocaust.   What makes it so special is her description of how she survived through her music.  Today at 106 she is still playing beautiful music.

Her musical talent saved her so she could play for the Germans. Alice Herz-Sommer was a concert pianist before the war and although kept in a starving state at Theresienstadt concentration camp she played in the orchestra along with artists and other musicians.  Alice’s grace and ability to survive under the most horrible circumstances gives me tremendous hope. Her description of how she wakes up each day and sees nothing but beauty in life and feels the gratefulness for being given one more day here on earth inspires me to recognize how fortunate I am.

This is someone who has every reason to be resentful and angry.  Yet, she has a faith and optimism that is rare.  Yet, while in the camps she says, she never hated the Germans.  She sees music as God and this is what kept her optimistic and full of faith.  Other survivors say, “that it went beyond just the beauty of her music”, it supported them in staying alive.  Alice’s life is reinforcing how much we can positively influence each other in the direst of circumstances. 

All we need is to bring our positive attitudes, beliefs and optimism to one another.  We must stop the hatred that exists today by projecting our love to all people.   It’s time to see the world differently.  Alice shows us that hatred is not the answer but love and giving conquers it all. 

What can you develop within yourself that will bring beauty, grace, courage and hope to the world?  Start by giving to those around you and slowly you will uncover your gifts.  Share with me I’m interested.

Napoleon Hill is famous for the research he conducted on the wealthy for steel magnate, Andrew Carnegies.  His book “Think and Grow Rich” is based on the common traits he found in the very successful and wealthy men of his time.   He found 16 characteristics.  Hill discovered that not one of these people was born with these characteristics – they all had developed them later in life. 

The five most important characteristics that Hill listed are: 

1. BURNING DESIRE:  You must have a burning desire to do what you are doing.  You MUST want it so badly that nothing will stop you or get in the way.  How many of you have let things get in the way?  This is what is going to let you walk through your fear.

2. SPECIALIZED KNOWLEDGE: You must have specialized knowledge.  This means you focus on one idea, product or industry and know it inside and out, develop it, REDO IT, specialize in it.  You must be the best at it.

3. ENTREPRENEURIAL IN NATURE:   You must be Entrepreneurial in nature.  This means living without the need for a guarantee. Are you the type that needs to work a certain amount of time so you will make a certain amount of money or are you working for results and spending as much time as you need to get the results.  It means getting off your assets and doing what you need to do.  For some of you this will require great change.  Although I believe I am entrepreneurial, I allowed my fear to crush this spirit and it went into hiding.  How many of you have had this happen?

4. You must be decisive in nature.  This means you make quick, well thought out decisions and stick with them.  In my mind this is crucial.  If you are wish washy you will not exude confidence.  Confidence is an absolute necessary attribute for success.  If you read my blog on Tuesday, this is the area I was lacking in and ultimately it brought me down.

5.  You must surround yourself with a mastermind group.  This is a team of people who are totally dedicated to your success. Napoleon Hill knew that four or five minds working together would be very powerful.   It is typically highly successful people who have more money than you do and have great knowledge to share with you.  A mastermind team may be, your accountant, Lawyer, CEO of another company, your coach, you admin etc.—I suggest it not be your wife or extended family.

Last Thursday I talked about my success as a sales person for Pitney Bowes. Because I was a top seller in the branch, I won a trip to The Camelback Resort in Arizona.   

However, something very interesting happened after I won that trip.   All my demons jumped up and surrounded me.   Fear set in and not knowing what I know today, I let it overtake me. I didn’t have the tools to walk through my fear.  I convinced myself that I hated the monthly quota and left that job to become a human resource manager where I had a nice salary and didn’t have to worry nearly as much about the results.   What a great story of sabotage!

Humans are creatures of habit.   We love to cling to our “comfort zones”. Comfort Zones are positive and negative patterns of thinking. No matter how much we want to change we stick to those yucky old patterns of thinking that prevent us from getting the success we desire.  I want you to think of these “comfort zones” as your internal thermostat.  The thermostat’s job is to keep us comfortable.  If it’s set to 72 degrees, and the temperature rises it turns the air conditioner on and if the temperature drops below 72 it turns the air conditioner off.  So, just like a thermostat our mind conditioning works like an internal regulating system constantly pulling us back to our “comfort zones”.

Today I understand how my conditioning from early child pushed me into fear and feelings of thinking I could never repeat what I had accomplished.  I had no  understanding of  how to use affirmations and support systems to help me through what I was feeling and experiencing.  At that point in time there were no coaches or mentors.

On Thursday I am going to talk about Napoleon Hill’s research on 500 of the wealthiest men of his time and how his book “Think and Grow Rich” helped me.

What would your life look like if your business or career was succeeding beyond all expectations—you had all the customers or the job you wanted and you began to have financial independence?

I believe you can create the business or career of your dreams.  How? First you need to be willing to start making significant mind shifts that will not only help you attract your ideal clients , customer or job but create success for you that is beyond your imagination. 

More than twenty years ago.  I moved out of the teaching field to become one of the first women to work for Pitney Bowes as a sales person.  As always my tenacity was pushing me forward.  Within six months I became one of the top sellers in my branch of 39 other people, all men.  Now, yes I will admit that the fact I was a young attractive woman helped.  It was not however, the only reason. Each day I went out with the attitude that I had nothing to lose and knocked on all the doors in my territory.  My territory was Long Island City – not the safest of places to be after dark.  All I did was visit with people and create relationship. I schleppedmachines on my hips and had the black and blue marks to prove it. I never gave up because I had very little expectation. I didn’t have a clue as to the kind of money I could make nor did I understand the commission program (I can now laugh at my naiveté).  All I knew was that if I went out and sold and made my quota I would keep my job.  I soon learned the products I liked and trusted and was honest with my potential customers.  That’s when the sales started coming. I believe without knowing it I was totally service oriented and did not think about money or how successful I wanted to become.

Yes, I was scared—that quota thing did a number on me.  But somewhere deep inside me, I believed that if I did everything my leaders suggested it would work.  There is no doubt in my mind that this belief and passion about what I was doing was the root of my success.  In my next blog I will talk more about this.

The one question I am always asked when I speak is, “how do I get rid of those obsessive negative thoughts that dominate my mind”?  My answer is commitment.  I tell them that they need to understand this is a process that takes time.  It’s hard work and for those who stay committed, their life will never be the same.  It requires tremendous patience and the ability to love yourself enough to make the changes work.  If you give up because you don’t see immediate results, then you are cheating yourself of the life you want and could have.  You need to identify what is preventing you from loving yourself.  For many this is the first real challenge in change.

Everyone I know who has achieved greatness has told me, “you should have known me before”.  What they are telling me is they had to work their buns off to change their thinking.  Once they were able to achieve new thinking, their lives did slowly change.  No one had an instantaneous “life change”. 

The first thing they needed to do was work on their self-image and see the truth about themselves.  They had to stop the thoughts that were against them.  They had to catch the negative thoughts before they became words and switch to a positive way of thinking.  They needed to recognize that when criticizing or judging they were sending out an energy that was only going to come back to hurt them. The true learning was in seeing their authentic selves as talented, creative, prosperous, beautiful, confident and secure –  going from acting “as if” and truly feeling these attributes.  They also realized the universe wanted them to reflect these attributes to all others so they could achieve greatness as well.

As humans we have been given great power.  Why is it that we don’t really “get it”? The power I’m talking about is the ability to think and speak.   Every word you speak and every thought you think creates your future. Unfortunately, very few people I know take this to heart and learn how to create positive thinking for a full rewarding life.  Since the mind does not distinguish what thoughts or seeds it receives, it is up to us to develop the habit of feeding it only positive thoughts and words.  

As soon as we begin to eliminate negative thoughts, our lives change for the better. We stop being judgmental, critical, and angry. Instead, we begin to set in motion positive thoughts, which start the process of attracting positive, good experiences back to us. If you do nothing else, you must become aware of your thoughts and identify them before they are spoken.  A good book to read on this subject is Napoleon Hill’s, Think and Grow Rich. 

I’m reminded of my mother’s message which she repeated over and over again to me, “think before you speak”.  I’m not sure she or I totally understood what she was saying but today I know it means, take “a pause” before you say anything.  This small but very important action helps you to take stock and check what side you are coming from, the positive or negative.

Being mindful that the words you speak can change your life. These seeds will create the future you desire.  Remember, like everything else in life it takes great courage to commit to learning how to take, “the pause”.

In my October 5th blog I discussed the reasons many of us feel a need to be in control of our environment and the people in it. The first step in changing controlling behavior is to recognize that you are doing it.  Frequently I hear people describe themselves as “control freaks”.  They seem to be aware but cannot stop it.  We can’t change our behavior until we becoming willing to accept how much many of them may be hurting us and others.

A client of mine recently brought in a big piece of business.  She had to let go of being the key person on the project because her knowledge of what needed to be done was limited.  Her job was to support the leader but immediately both of these high level people began to struggle with each other.  My client began to dislike anything the leader asked her to do for him or the team.  As you may have guessed, my client had become resentful, agitated and frustrated.  After several weeks of working with me on changing her attitude she began to understand how powerless she had become in this situation.  Once she recognized what was really going on,  she started to set limits with the leader and things improved. 

By recognizing your need to be in control you have identified a behavior that is getting in your way.  The very first thing you need to do is congratulate yourself for this awareness.  Most of the time we are so busy being unhappy or critical with ourselves we cannot acknowledge the advances we are making. The second step in my three part formula i³ = c + p + s is integration.  This is when you start catching yourself doing the behavior.  It means you must stay aware of what you do and then begin to think and learn about how you can do things differently.  Once you become cognizant of new ways of handling situations you can begin to do the third step in the formula practice integrating new behaviors.

On Tuesday, I talked about responding vs. reacting.  Today I want to talk about the need to be in control and how it relates to some of the reasons we become reactionary.  Much of my professional reading has taught me that people who need to control usually come from a childhood background that was chaotic and overly oppressive. Of course, this can be on many levels from very little to extreme. These children grow up in conditions where they never felt heard, never participated in decision making or felt particularly safe. Truthfully, this probably hits home with many of us.  Our desire to be in control comes from our deep need to have control over our lives.  As adults, our controlling behavior plays out as attempts to take charge of or change people, places and things.    

Unfortunately, for most people attempting to be in control creates tremendous frustration for themselves and the people they know.  This is because it is impossible to change others or be totally in charge of our environment.  If we think we can, then we are deluding ourselves, feeding deep levels of frustration.

Here’s where the relationship between the need to control and reactionary behavior comes in.  When we can’t control we feel powerless. Typically the more powerless we feel the more we try to control. We start becoming defensive, criticize others, feel the need to prove or justify why we are right, or act impatiently. Most importantly it typically diverts us from the issue at hand.  Once we are into reaction and /or the need to control, our power has slipped away.  For suggestions on stopping controlling behavior read Tuesday’s Standing Strong blog.