What makes us react to someone else’s pressure?  Usually it is tied to a “need to please and be accepted”.  For many people it is hard to set a boundary with someone who is applying pressure.  We often become fearful:  “I will not be considered a team player”, “I will be fired” or “they will not like me anymore”. It is usually the same people who then complain that they are overworked, underpaid and are not getting ahead. 

Every situation that arises gives us the opportunity to be “reactive or responsive”. When we react we are putting another’s needs before our own. Our fears get in the way of putting ourselves first.  The best thing we can do is to step back and take a pause.  During this pause, we can think about the situation and look at how we are “feeling” (usually our reaction) and then what we truly need.  Once we have figured that out, it will allow us to go back and properly negotiate.

Early on one of my mentors taught me that “reacting” will get me nowhere and that learning to “respond” will help me gain what I need, including the respect of the other individuals involved.    It was a painful process but once I started practicing it, it became clear that people were respecting me more and most importantly, I was respecting and feeling so much better about myself.

Recently, Gene, a NY client, told me that he had a great relationship with a vendor for several years but for some reason this past summer there were several serious problems with their staff and the service he was receiving. His usual response would have been to yell and scream at both the employees and the owner of the company.  After being coached, he responded differently.  Rather than simply yell or complain each time there was a problem, Gene took a pause, thought the situation through and asked the vendor to be honest and tell him what was causing the problems?  He didn’t threaten but showed understanding of the situation and even asked how he could help correct things.  This opened a dialogue that made it a win/win for everyone.  Eventually they worked out the problems and actually made some improvements in the way they were working together.  In the end, everyone came out ahead and Gene was able to keep the vendor and create a solid relationship with the staff.  Seems simple, yes but difficult to accomplish.  Remember responding not reacting is a better approach and that will pay off big time in the end.

For years I’ve been touting the use of affirmations to change our thinking and to impress on the mind  visions of what we desire.  Although I still believe in affirmations and visions, my understanding of what they are and how to use them has grown immensely.  What I hadn’t integrated was the understanding that affirmations are every thought we think and word we say not just some words I put together to help me through a “crisis” or  bring me something I desire.  It’s not about wishing and trying to believe that these affirmations will work for me, it’s about knowing that what I will receive is based on what I expect.

This is where the difficulty lies as most of us receive very little of what we desire because we don’t expect more.  We usually get some demonstration of what we want by working our affirmations and visions but not nearly what we had hoped to receive.  Why?  We are hoping rather than believing and expecting.  Very few of us understand how to let go of the thinking that fills us with doubt about our abilities to create or find solutions.

For years my thinking has been steeped in affirming and wishing for “things” which reminds me of the words in the old song “wishin and hopin”.  I did not understand that I was not alone in trying to make things happen but a CREATIVE POWER existed within me that supported me in generating my desires.  Now, I understand that when I honestly believe and align with this creative force, it will work through me generating a POSITIVE, I CAN attitude that will bring me what I desire and need. Eric Butterworth says, “when you believe you can do it, the how to thinking is set in motion which enables our ability to manifest what we desire.”

 In my mind the key to making this creative force work for us and change our circumstances is to develop the courage and confidence to believe and trust in its power. Then, we will be led to what we need to know to get our answers and solutions to create our desires.

Did anyone ever tell you that you were created to be great?  If they did, did you believe them?  As a leadership coach, many of the women and men I meet and work with have no concept of their greatness.  Instead they see themselves as having little value in their home and work environments.  I believe this is mainly due to their lack of confidence.  Most people who lack confidence live with a belief system based on the thinking, “they can’t be, have, or do enough”. They are stuck in a pattern that consistently spirals them downward and prevents them from creating and having what they want in their lives.

How does this pattern develop? First, as children many of us are expected to excel continuously in school, sports, and all the other endeavors of our lives.  If we don’t succeed, we are made to feel “less than” by our parents, teachers and coaches and religious leaders through the criticism and judgments about our performance.  Usually it is by people who do not feel confident and good about themselves.  The truth is they have it all backwards.  These people never learned that everyone has greatness in them and they need to be encouraged to find it. 

From a very early stage of life these negative adult behaviors teach us to live from the “outside in” and create false beliefs about ourselves. The ego part of the mind keeps these false beliefs going.  As we grow older and have more experiences that reinforce our inabilities to “do, be or have” more than others around us, we are often frustrated and create more sabotaging experiences that perpetuate these feelings about ourselves.

How do we stop these patterns?  First we must break our denial around these “false beliefs” and recognize that developing confidence is an “inside job”.  We need to look at our behaviors, attitudes and thinking and how they contribute to our feelings about ourselves.   Then, we need to gain new knowledge to help us see the truths about the universal laws of the universe and how distorted they have become in our minds.  We search for our greatness by learning from others who have found it through books, coaches, and classes. Slowly, this information helps us move forward to take risk and implement what we are learning. 

Is it a difficult journey?  Yes, at times it is but it is one of the most rewarding because you will find your true authentic self and bring it out to shine.  As you begin to shine, you will develop more confidence and see your greatness.  You will put energy into motion that will bring you more happiness then you deemed imaginable.

Yesterday, I shared with you how I fell into a recessionary funk.  Today, I am going to tell you how I rebounded and share with you the philosophy and tools that have helped me become re-engaged and committed. 

Although I have spent most of my adult life building self-esteem and becoming more conscious, there was still more that I needed to work on. I knew instinctively that I needed to integrate into my belief system and soul that “my well being was not tied to the economic fluctuations of the world”.  Without realizing it, the recessionary thinking had led me to living from the “outside in”. Other people’s opinions were becoming more important than my own.  I needed to learn at a deeper level that no one can keep my good from me but “me”.  Wow, what a concept!  I began to accept that I had become un-centered and lost my ability to live with direction from the “inside out”.  Going deep (journaling and meditating) helped me see that I had to raise my conscious and change my beliefs around money.

I spent many hours reading books on prosperity, and journaling about what I was reading. One book in particular, is Spiritual Economics by Eric Butterworth.  If you’re serious about changing your thinking around money and your well being, then it’s a book you want to read.  In addition, I realized I needed support.  So, I thought about who would be able to listen, hear and coach me.  Then, I reached out to three different coach friends who listened and helped me look at how I was limiting and blinding myself to the “truths” of who I am and what I have accomplished and still am capable of creating.

This hard painful work has helped me turn around my life.  It is helping me re-create my marketing brand, given me clarity about who I really am as a coach, where and how I have succeeded before and most important how I can unconditionally be of service to people.  What a gift!!   All this is happening, because I decided to attack my discomfort and “roto rooter” misperceptions and beliefs, discover new knowledge from books and ask people to help me, “see what I couldn’t see”. 

About a year ago, I stopped writing my blog and newsletter. Many would call the state I was in a “funk”.   The “recession” and its affect on my life had much to do with it but not all.  Today, I know this malaise was a necessary period for me to walk through.  My life journey of self discovery and development has taught me that there are times we will do almost anything not to face our pain and fears.  Of course, this keeps us from growing and accomplishing our true purpose and keeps us emotionally “down” and non-productive.

After 18 years of building a successful business, I was forced to face the fact that I had become emotionally and mentally “burned out”.  On top of it, I lived in a state that was hit very hard economically and all I was hearing was, “how bad things are”.  Unaware of how much of this I had absorbed, I had started going for the quick fixes instead of looking at the truth of my situation and figuring out what I needed to change.  One of the first things I had to do was step back and get honest with myself.   I spent a great deal of time reflecting and meditating and at times feeling the deep sorrow about past mistakes, missed opportunities and what I might have done different. During this process, I began to recognize that I had still not worked out parts of my “lack and limitation” thinking around money and how I lived my life.  I was still holding onto many old, outdated beliefs.

In my blog tomorrow, I will finish telling you how I turned things around and motivated myself to find my way back.  It required letting go of my “pride” , reaching out to others, being honest, and spending a great deal of quiet time working on myself.   It gives me pleasure to help you learn from  my mistakes.

Welcome to the Standing Strong Blog.

In the next few weeks I will be blogging regularly.  I am in the process of setting up our future communication system which will include a monthly newsletter, weekly Pearls of Wisdom and a bi-monthly blog.

I look forward to your continued participation.

Standing Strong with You

arlene