Women who stand strong are able to graciously receive from others and ask for help when they need it. They know how to delegate and let go of the results as well as live in a state of gratitude.  This doesn’t mean that they do not stay responsible. It means they are secure and confident enough to let others be themselves and appreciate them for their strengths and capabilities. As business women and mothers, they know how to appreciate themselves as well as coach others when they are having difficulty without micro-managing  or controlling them.

My experience in leadership coaching has shown me that women who have a difficult time receiving typically have a hard time feeling gratitude are more likely to be critical and un-accepting  of themselves as well as others.  These women typically have a difficult time receiving compliments or gifts.   In some cases it is actually painful for them and the people around them.

Some of the other behaviors of women who have difficulty receiving from others include not having a “free minute”.  Every bit of time is accounted for.  They’ve forgotten how to take time to sit and enjoy life.  These women are unable to celebrate their accomplishments,  tend to berate themselves for not having done better,  constantly nag themselves, question their decisions and blame themselves and others when something doesn’t go well even if it was out of their control.

If you are experiencing  any one of these behaviors it might be time to do an inventory on yourself using the list above.  It will help you discover what behaviors you need to retrain and/or get some outside help on.   In my next blog I will talk about what’s behind these behaviors and how to start changing them.

On Tuesday I talked about letting go of behaviors that hurt us in our relationships with others and keep us from being Women Standing Strong.  Today as I was doing Leadership Coaching with a long term client, Anne, we discussed how she had collected a number of people in her life who were takers and treated her abusively.  These included bosses, employees and friends.

Up to this point, we have been working on her need to self-blame when people mistreat her.   Ann has had a very difficult time understanding that when people treat us poorly, it is “about them” not “us”.    Today we had a major breakthrough in her coaching because she “really got” that she was her own worst enemy when she became angry, resentful, scared and impatient with people who are abusive in their behaviors. 

Anne told me, “she finally had started taking a temperature check on her feelings after speaking with people and she has begun to recognize that when she feels uncomfortable in any way after a conversation that something was amiss”.  Anne has learned that when she feels frantic, angry, belittled or shamed during or after a conversation then she had let the individual take advantage of her in some way.  She now knows that when she feels peaceful, calm and happy after a conversation that she has participated from a place of Standing Strong. Anne has learned to let people know in an appropriate way that she’s uncomfortable with what they are saying and tells them clearly what she needs from them.

Many of us allow ourselves to become victims of the people around us by blaming ourselves for other’s poor behaviors.  Of course, it’s important to take an internal check and make sure we have not been offensive.  It’s just as important to make sure that we are not feeling right because of the other person’s treatment.  Learning to manage yourself with people who conduct themselves inappropriately with you is a major step in Standing Strong.

In order for change to occur there must be a letting go, a surrender.  Most people think of surrender as a loss of freedom, a defeat or a weakness.  The primary definition of change, however, is to give something up in order to get something else.  Only when you can accept that your old ways and patterns are no longer serving you will you be able to let go of your old behaviors and perceptions.  In the  3 step formula I’ve developed for coaching I³ = c + p + s integration is the stage where you become aware of these behaviors and perceptions as you are doing them and recognize how they prevent you from succeeding and having the things in life you desire.   It leads to the third stage implementation where you begin to do new behaviors instead of the old ones.

Yesterday I worked with a client who had been assigned homework that required her to catch and observe herself every time she did “care-taking behavior” both with her employees and at home.  Before this assignment we had other exercises and discussions that helped her discover the behaviors that were preventing her from getting a promotion.  These exercises helped with the first stage of the formula identifying and becoming aware of the behaviors that prevent you from succeeding.  She learned that she was helping everyone around her and they had become dependent on this.  In addition she was not standing strong with management around certain issues. 

After observing the “care-taking behavior” my client stated that, “it happened more times than she thought it would” and made her very conscientious of her actions and behaviors as well as her attitudes toward certain situations. She also said that by observing herself she made attempts to stop the behavior or just acknowledge that she noticed it after the fact.  Then, she told herself, “I will do it differently next time around”.

The example above shows us that in order for change to be effective we must look within to get to the root of our issues, discomforts, doubts and old beliefs.  We also must go within to work on changing these behaviors.  This is not a linear process.  Instead we go back and forth through the different stages until we truly have let go of the old and integrated the new.  One or two days of practice does not permanently change you.   Like all new habits and behaviors it takes a great deal of behavioral observation and practice.  Slow and steady does with the race is what I always tell my clients.  Over time, it is amazing what we can change and the results it brings.

On Tuesday, I wrote about the optimism of the longest living Holocaust Survivor, Alice Herz-Sommer.  Today’s blog is about how to become positive and optimistic.  When you make an effort to work on these two attributes daily, a new life arises.

Quantum physics explains the universal Law of Cause and Effect.  Simply stated whatever you concentrate on you are going to attract and create in your life. It means that if you are thinking negatively you are going to get negative results.  For example, if you keep thinking you will not succeed at something you want to do differently, chances are you will not. Remember, all of our thoughts are energy.  Like energy is drawn to like energy.

Are you willing to take responsibility for yourself and begin rooting out the fears and negativity that prevent you from having what you want?  You have a choice to make your life a horror story, a mediocre play or a Broadway Extravaganza.  Which are you going to choose?  Your thoughts have incredible power.  Unfortunately, most people do not pay attention to what they are saying or thinking.  We repeat most of our thoughts over and over.  Therefore, if your thinking mainly negative thoughts, which most of us do, we are rending ourselves powerless.

The place to start is to observe your thinking. Our thoughts work for or against us.  Our mind works like a computer.  It doesn’t care whether we think positively or negatively.  We must understand that for every effect in our lives, there is a thought pattern that precedes and maintains it.

At times letting go of old thinking can be brutal, think of a person who struggles with addiction, it’s no different.  Your self-sabotaging thoughts are so ingrained in you that you live totally unaware of them.   The truth is:  every negative thought is a lie.  Your small little ego which takes up a minute portion of your sub-conscious is holding you hostage.  This is why having a mastermind group, mentor or coach will be invaluable.  They will be able to support you in ways that will force you to look at yourself and your denials and break through them.

People stay successful because they are tenacious and never give up on improving themselves.  They work hard at keeping great positive energy and being passionate.  You can have it, too.  Just make the commitment!

Yesterday, we posted in our Words of Wisdom Monday a wonderful YouTube trailer of the upcoming documentary video about a very special lady who is the oldest survivor of the Holocaust.   What makes it so special is her description of how she survived through her music.  Today at 106 she is still playing beautiful music.

Her musical talent saved her so she could play for the Germans. Alice Herz-Sommer was a concert pianist before the war and although kept in a starving state at Theresienstadt concentration camp she played in the orchestra along with artists and other musicians.  Alice’s grace and ability to survive under the most horrible circumstances gives me tremendous hope. Her description of how she wakes up each day and sees nothing but beauty in life and feels the gratefulness for being given one more day here on earth inspires me to recognize how fortunate I am.

This is someone who has every reason to be resentful and angry.  Yet, she has a faith and optimism that is rare.  Yet, while in the camps she says, she never hated the Germans.  She sees music as God and this is what kept her optimistic and full of faith.  Other survivors say, “that it went beyond just the beauty of her music”, it supported them in staying alive.  Alice’s life is reinforcing how much we can positively influence each other in the direst of circumstances. 

All we need is to bring our positive attitudes, beliefs and optimism to one another.  We must stop the hatred that exists today by projecting our love to all people.   It’s time to see the world differently.  Alice shows us that hatred is not the answer but love and giving conquers it all. 

What can you develop within yourself that will bring beauty, grace, courage and hope to the world?  Start by giving to those around you and slowly you will uncover your gifts.  Share with me I’m interested.

Napoleon Hill is famous for the research he conducted on the wealthy for steel magnate, Andrew Carnegies.  His book “Think and Grow Rich” is based on the common traits he found in the very successful and wealthy men of his time.   He found 16 characteristics.  Hill discovered that not one of these people was born with these characteristics – they all had developed them later in life. 

The five most important characteristics that Hill listed are: 

1. BURNING DESIRE:  You must have a burning desire to do what you are doing.  You MUST want it so badly that nothing will stop you or get in the way.  How many of you have let things get in the way?  This is what is going to let you walk through your fear.

2. SPECIALIZED KNOWLEDGE: You must have specialized knowledge.  This means you focus on one idea, product or industry and know it inside and out, develop it, REDO IT, specialize in it.  You must be the best at it.

3. ENTREPRENEURIAL IN NATURE:   You must be Entrepreneurial in nature.  This means living without the need for a guarantee. Are you the type that needs to work a certain amount of time so you will make a certain amount of money or are you working for results and spending as much time as you need to get the results.  It means getting off your assets and doing what you need to do.  For some of you this will require great change.  Although I believe I am entrepreneurial, I allowed my fear to crush this spirit and it went into hiding.  How many of you have had this happen?

4. You must be decisive in nature.  This means you make quick, well thought out decisions and stick with them.  In my mind this is crucial.  If you are wish washy you will not exude confidence.  Confidence is an absolute necessary attribute for success.  If you read my blog on Tuesday, this is the area I was lacking in and ultimately it brought me down.

5.  You must surround yourself with a mastermind group.  This is a team of people who are totally dedicated to your success. Napoleon Hill knew that four or five minds working together would be very powerful.   It is typically highly successful people who have more money than you do and have great knowledge to share with you.  A mastermind team may be, your accountant, Lawyer, CEO of another company, your coach, you admin etc.—I suggest it not be your wife or extended family.