Last Thursday I talked about my success as a sales person for Pitney Bowes. Because I was a top seller in the branch, I won a trip to The Camelback Resort in Arizona.   

However, something very interesting happened after I won that trip.   All my demons jumped up and surrounded me.   Fear set in and not knowing what I know today, I let it overtake me. I didn’t have the tools to walk through my fear.  I convinced myself that I hated the monthly quota and left that job to become a human resource manager where I had a nice salary and didn’t have to worry nearly as much about the results.   What a great story of sabotage!

Humans are creatures of habit.   We love to cling to our “comfort zones”. Comfort Zones are positive and negative patterns of thinking. No matter how much we want to change we stick to those yucky old patterns of thinking that prevent us from getting the success we desire.  I want you to think of these “comfort zones” as your internal thermostat.  The thermostat’s job is to keep us comfortable.  If it’s set to 72 degrees, and the temperature rises it turns the air conditioner on and if the temperature drops below 72 it turns the air conditioner off.  So, just like a thermostat our mind conditioning works like an internal regulating system constantly pulling us back to our “comfort zones”.

Today I understand how my conditioning from early child pushed me into fear and feelings of thinking I could never repeat what I had accomplished.  I had no  understanding of  how to use affirmations and support systems to help me through what I was feeling and experiencing.  At that point in time there were no coaches or mentors.

On Thursday I am going to talk about Napoleon Hill’s research on 500 of the wealthiest men of his time and how his book “Think and Grow Rich” helped me.

What would your life look like if your business or career was succeeding beyond all expectations—you had all the customers or the job you wanted and you began to have financial independence?

I believe you can create the business or career of your dreams.  How? First you need to be willing to start making significant mind shifts that will not only help you attract your ideal clients , customer or job but create success for you that is beyond your imagination. 

More than twenty years ago.  I moved out of the teaching field to become one of the first women to work for Pitney Bowes as a sales person.  As always my tenacity was pushing me forward.  Within six months I became one of the top sellers in my branch of 39 other people, all men.  Now, yes I will admit that the fact I was a young attractive woman helped.  It was not however, the only reason. Each day I went out with the attitude that I had nothing to lose and knocked on all the doors in my territory.  My territory was Long Island City – not the safest of places to be after dark.  All I did was visit with people and create relationship. I schleppedmachines on my hips and had the black and blue marks to prove it. I never gave up because I had very little expectation. I didn’t have a clue as to the kind of money I could make nor did I understand the commission program (I can now laugh at my naiveté).  All I knew was that if I went out and sold and made my quota I would keep my job.  I soon learned the products I liked and trusted and was honest with my potential customers.  That’s when the sales started coming. I believe without knowing it I was totally service oriented and did not think about money or how successful I wanted to become.

Yes, I was scared—that quota thing did a number on me.  But somewhere deep inside me, I believed that if I did everything my leaders suggested it would work.  There is no doubt in my mind that this belief and passion about what I was doing was the root of my success.  In my next blog I will talk more about this.

The one question I am always asked when I speak is, “how do I get rid of those obsessive negative thoughts that dominate my mind”?  My answer is commitment.  I tell them that they need to understand this is a process that takes time.  It’s hard work and for those who stay committed, their life will never be the same.  It requires tremendous patience and the ability to love yourself enough to make the changes work.  If you give up because you don’t see immediate results, then you are cheating yourself of the life you want and could have.  You need to identify what is preventing you from loving yourself.  For many this is the first real challenge in change.

Everyone I know who has achieved greatness has told me, “you should have known me before”.  What they are telling me is they had to work their buns off to change their thinking.  Once they were able to achieve new thinking, their lives did slowly change.  No one had an instantaneous “life change”. 

The first thing they needed to do was work on their self-image and see the truth about themselves.  They had to stop the thoughts that were against them.  They had to catch the negative thoughts before they became words and switch to a positive way of thinking.  They needed to recognize that when criticizing or judging they were sending out an energy that was only going to come back to hurt them. The true learning was in seeing their authentic selves as talented, creative, prosperous, beautiful, confident and secure –  going from acting “as if” and truly feeling these attributes.  They also realized the universe wanted them to reflect these attributes to all others so they could achieve greatness as well.

As humans we have been given great power.  Why is it that we don’t really “get it”? The power I’m talking about is the ability to think and speak.   Every word you speak and every thought you think creates your future. Unfortunately, very few people I know take this to heart and learn how to create positive thinking for a full rewarding life.  Since the mind does not distinguish what thoughts or seeds it receives, it is up to us to develop the habit of feeding it only positive thoughts and words.  

As soon as we begin to eliminate negative thoughts, our lives change for the better. We stop being judgmental, critical, and angry. Instead, we begin to set in motion positive thoughts, which start the process of attracting positive, good experiences back to us. If you do nothing else, you must become aware of your thoughts and identify them before they are spoken.  A good book to read on this subject is Napoleon Hill’s, Think and Grow Rich. 

I’m reminded of my mother’s message which she repeated over and over again to me, “think before you speak”.  I’m not sure she or I totally understood what she was saying but today I know it means, take “a pause” before you say anything.  This small but very important action helps you to take stock and check what side you are coming from, the positive or negative.

Being mindful that the words you speak can change your life. These seeds will create the future you desire.  Remember, like everything else in life it takes great courage to commit to learning how to take, “the pause”.

In my October 5th blog I discussed the reasons many of us feel a need to be in control of our environment and the people in it. The first step in changing controlling behavior is to recognize that you are doing it.  Frequently I hear people describe themselves as “control freaks”.  They seem to be aware but cannot stop it.  We can’t change our behavior until we becoming willing to accept how much many of them may be hurting us and others.

A client of mine recently brought in a big piece of business.  She had to let go of being the key person on the project because her knowledge of what needed to be done was limited.  Her job was to support the leader but immediately both of these high level people began to struggle with each other.  My client began to dislike anything the leader asked her to do for him or the team.  As you may have guessed, my client had become resentful, agitated and frustrated.  After several weeks of working with me on changing her attitude she began to understand how powerless she had become in this situation.  Once she recognized what was really going on,  she started to set limits with the leader and things improved. 

By recognizing your need to be in control you have identified a behavior that is getting in your way.  The very first thing you need to do is congratulate yourself for this awareness.  Most of the time we are so busy being unhappy or critical with ourselves we cannot acknowledge the advances we are making. The second step in my three part formula i³ = c + p + s is integration.  This is when you start catching yourself doing the behavior.  It means you must stay aware of what you do and then begin to think and learn about how you can do things differently.  Once you become cognizant of new ways of handling situations you can begin to do the third step in the formula practice integrating new behaviors.

On Tuesday, I talked about responding vs. reacting.  Today I want to talk about the need to be in control and how it relates to some of the reasons we become reactionary.  Much of my professional reading has taught me that people who need to control usually come from a childhood background that was chaotic and overly oppressive. Of course, this can be on many levels from very little to extreme. These children grow up in conditions where they never felt heard, never participated in decision making or felt particularly safe. Truthfully, this probably hits home with many of us.  Our desire to be in control comes from our deep need to have control over our lives.  As adults, our controlling behavior plays out as attempts to take charge of or change people, places and things.    

Unfortunately, for most people attempting to be in control creates tremendous frustration for themselves and the people they know.  This is because it is impossible to change others or be totally in charge of our environment.  If we think we can, then we are deluding ourselves, feeding deep levels of frustration.

Here’s where the relationship between the need to control and reactionary behavior comes in.  When we can’t control we feel powerless. Typically the more powerless we feel the more we try to control. We start becoming defensive, criticize others, feel the need to prove or justify why we are right, or act impatiently. Most importantly it typically diverts us from the issue at hand.  Once we are into reaction and /or the need to control, our power has slipped away.  For suggestions on stopping controlling behavior read Tuesday’s Standing Strong blog.

What makes us react to someone else’s pressure?  Usually it is tied to a “need to please and be accepted”.  For many people it is hard to set a boundary with someone who is applying pressure.  We often become fearful:  “I will not be considered a team player”, “I will be fired” or “they will not like me anymore”. It is usually the same people who then complain that they are overworked, underpaid and are not getting ahead. 

Every situation that arises gives us the opportunity to be “reactive or responsive”. When we react we are putting another’s needs before our own. Our fears get in the way of putting ourselves first.  The best thing we can do is to step back and take a pause.  During this pause, we can think about the situation and look at how we are “feeling” (usually our reaction) and then what we truly need.  Once we have figured that out, it will allow us to go back and properly negotiate.

Early on one of my mentors taught me that “reacting” will get me nowhere and that learning to “respond” will help me gain what I need, including the respect of the other individuals involved.    It was a painful process but once I started practicing it, it became clear that people were respecting me more and most importantly, I was respecting and feeling so much better about myself.

Recently, Gene, a NY client, told me that he had a great relationship with a vendor for several years but for some reason this past summer there were several serious problems with their staff and the service he was receiving. His usual response would have been to yell and scream at both the employees and the owner of the company.  After being coached, he responded differently.  Rather than simply yell or complain each time there was a problem, Gene took a pause, thought the situation through and asked the vendor to be honest and tell him what was causing the problems?  He didn’t threaten but showed understanding of the situation and even asked how he could help correct things.  This opened a dialogue that made it a win/win for everyone.  Eventually they worked out the problems and actually made some improvements in the way they were working together.  In the end, everyone came out ahead and Gene was able to keep the vendor and create a solid relationship with the staff.  Seems simple, yes but difficult to accomplish.  Remember responding not reacting is a better approach and that will pay off big time in the end.

For years I’ve been touting the use of affirmations to change our thinking and to impress on the mind  visions of what we desire.  Although I still believe in affirmations and visions, my understanding of what they are and how to use them has grown immensely.  What I hadn’t integrated was the understanding that affirmations are every thought we think and word we say not just some words I put together to help me through a “crisis” or  bring me something I desire.  It’s not about wishing and trying to believe that these affirmations will work for me, it’s about knowing that what I will receive is based on what I expect.

This is where the difficulty lies as most of us receive very little of what we desire because we don’t expect more.  We usually get some demonstration of what we want by working our affirmations and visions but not nearly what we had hoped to receive.  Why?  We are hoping rather than believing and expecting.  Very few of us understand how to let go of the thinking that fills us with doubt about our abilities to create or find solutions.

For years my thinking has been steeped in affirming and wishing for “things” which reminds me of the words in the old song “wishin and hopin”.  I did not understand that I was not alone in trying to make things happen but a CREATIVE POWER existed within me that supported me in generating my desires.  Now, I understand that when I honestly believe and align with this creative force, it will work through me generating a POSITIVE, I CAN attitude that will bring me what I desire and need. Eric Butterworth says, “when you believe you can do it, the how to thinking is set in motion which enables our ability to manifest what we desire.”

 In my mind the key to making this creative force work for us and change our circumstances is to develop the courage and confidence to believe and trust in its power. Then, we will be led to what we need to know to get our answers and solutions to create our desires.