Do Words Count in Understanding Others?

Words do count in many more ways than you realize.  The words we use can greatly influence the response we receive from those we interact with.  Words are clues on how individuals prefer to communicate and how to best communicate with them. The more we come to understand our own styles of communication, have the ability to assess other people’s styles, and adapt our messages to their choice of words we can better connect and get our needs met.

Below are the words that will help you recognize people that fall into the four behavioral styles (DISC) presented in the TTI Behavioral Assessments/Reports that I use with my clients

1. Dominance—the extroverted, direct, individual who is task oriented and the ability to push the group along.

• Words they use and will respond to: win, challenge, results, compete, and take the risk

2. Influence—the expressive, outgoing, verbally persuasive, friendly inspiring individual who desires freedom

• Words they use and will respond to: chat, I feel, exciting, trust, and motivate

3. Steadiness—the individual who does not express their emotions, is a loyal team player whose goal is harmony.

• Words they use and will respond to:  balance, harmony, team player, think about it, and patience

4. Compliance—the clear and objective thinker who is analytical, methodical and desires complete accuracy.

• Words they use and will respond to:  here are the facts and figures, prove it, tactics, strategy, and accurate

Are you doing what makes you happy and fulfilled?

Are you living a life of happiness and fulfillment? Happiness is about being authentic and following your own unique life path.  Most people cannot answer this question with a firm yes. We can achieve our purpose because the universe always gives and supports us with what we need to fulfill our purpose in the world.

No one has the same combination of traits, abilities and gifts.  Each one of us is truly unique in every way. You are the only person who knows how you can live and what is right for you.  No one else can know this for you.  When you understand this concept then you can discover your true path or purpose, follow it and feel happy and fulfilled.

The first step in this process is always to go inward. For most people this takes dedication and hard work. Below are some ways to make it easier for you.

• Find people who truly can love you for your uniqueness. These are people who accept you right where you are and don’t criticize or try to change you.
• Spend time with these people; soak up their love and confidence in you.  Share what you’re feeling and where you are.
• Make a commitment to spend quiet time journaling or meditating about who you are not what your parents, teachers and religious leaders molded you to be.
• Listen to your inner voice and remain committed to knowing what is right for you not what other people determine is right.
• Find a coach or appropriate group who can support you on these steps

What do you choose?

Throughout my years of studying personal and professional development many teachers and coaches have taught me that in every situation we always have a choice.   I really thought that I understood what that meant.  As a student of Real Love I now understand that almost every minute of my life is about choice.  The choices I make either render me powerful or powerless.

Our attitudes, habits and beliefs greatly affect our choices.  When we pause in the moment to ask ourselves, will this choice make me happy, we are allowing ourselves the opportunity to feel our power.  If your decision is based on pleasing someone else or doing something you really don’t want to be doing, then you are going to feel powerless.

Even in situations where we have little ability to choose, we can act differently.  We can ask ourselves what is my attitude about the situation.  If it’s negative and critical, then we need to ask what are the reasons we are feeling this way.  Once we realize we have a choice to see the people involved in a different way we can get through the situation more positively.

Being asked to stay late and work usually brings up some negativity.  If you can tell yourself that it might bring a bonus at the end of the year or higher rating on your performance review, then you are going to see the situation differently and will feel powerful energy project from you.  Making this type of change is difficult.  If you keep working on choices to be happy, you’ll be amazed at how different your life will become.

Living In The Knowing

When I am able to believe with all my heart that something I desire will happen, it does. Reading many books and articles on this subject I’ve learned that my thoughts and beliefs create my results. When any sort of doubt and confusion exist in my mind this will affect what I create. In many ways they act as a neutralizer to what I desire.

Brain research is showing that even though we believe our thoughts are pure, many of our beliefs stay hidden in our subconscious.  This is a perplexing situation.  It indicates that many times we are unaware of our negative beliefs and how they are affecting our lives.  It does explain why many people who try affirmations and visioning give up quickly believing they don’t work.

Bill J. Bonnstetter, chairman of the board of TTI Success Insights who is conducting brain research feels affirmations are the answer.  I agree and feel this is the reason many successful athletes and people use them.  You can too!

It takes courage time and dedication. Below are three steps that can help you.

1. Isolate a conscious negative though that plagues you and write a    positive affirmation for it.
2. Memorize the affirmation and repeat in your mind at least 10 times a day and write it at least 10 times a day for at least 30 days.
3. Find a partner to support you in this effort and help you be accountable.

If you think these steps are too hard, then understand you are resisting change.

What is Real Love?

I’ve been studying Real Love for almost a year.  It’s been an honor to work with the developer of this philosophy, Greg Bear, intensively since January.  Below is an excerpt from his blog.  Read what he says carefully.  There is deep meaning in what he writes.

What Does Real Love Look Like?

As a principle alone, Real Love is transformational. As I have taught the definition and nature of Real Love to people all around the world, I have been impressed with how they have lit up with understanding. As they have realized the role of Real Love in their lives—and the role of the lack of Real Love—they have come to understand their own behavior, the behavior of the people around them, and their relationships. This understanding alone can have a profound impact.

The impact of understanding Real Love as a principle, however, pales virtually to nothingness beside the power of Real Love itself. As people actually feel Real Love…

• they feel a sense of profound connection to the people who love them.
• they no longer feel alone.
• they lose their emptiness and fear.
• they no longer have a need for the anger in their lives, so it simply begins to gradually disappear.
• the other Getting and Protecting Behaviors begin to vanish, also because there is no need for them in the absence of emptiness and fear.
• they feel a deep sense of peace and happiness.

Studying the principles of Real Love is fascinating and productive, but the real goal is to feel the power of Real Love. So what does Real Love look like? Regrettably, the world has sold us a terribly deceptive counterfeit of love, so we see love as…

• hugs.
• kisses.
• sex.
• more sex.
• romantic poetry.
• candlelight dinners.
• flowers.
• gifts.
• expensive gifts.
• elaborate and sentimental expressions of “I can’t live without you.”

Sometimes Real Love does involve some of the elements we just listed, but just as often love has nothing to do with these expressions. Real Love means caring about another person’s genuine happiness. Again, what does that look like?

I want to thank all of you who took the time to tell me you enjoy the weekly Pearls and want me to continue.  Your comments touched me. I have not yet responded to everyone personally but definitely plan to do this over the next few weeks.

Are you rushing through life? After twenty years of coaching I’ve learned that most people do not make choices based on what will make them happy. Instead, they use many unproductive behaviors so they don’t have to feel discomfort. The speed of life today is so fast that it is easy to find ways to deny or avoid our unhappiness. We have lost the ability to enjoy our lives and just have fun. Have you found yourself rushing to a Yoga class, softball game or even a movie? The answer is probably yes. I need to admit that at times, I am guilty as well.

When I ask myself the reason I’m rushing, (why don’t I have enough time) the answer is always the same. I’m trying to fit in way too much. One of the major reasons for this is I spend too much time doing the things I don’t want to be doing. Yet, I do them because I feel it is the “right thing to do.” In the process I am not true to myself.

As I’m moving into the later years of my career, I recognized that I have cheated myself and others many times. Had I done what I wanted to do and chosen more carefully, I would have been happier and more productive. The people around me would have benefited as well. We all have the ability to feel happier when we are willing to choose “what is right” for us (what will make us happy) and not “what is right” for others.

What Life Lessons am I Learning?

Recently one of my clients sent the following blurb to me.  Since it is an interpretation based on a passage from the Bible, I’ve rephrased some of it.  As many of you know, I’ve been studying the Real Love philosophy developed by Greg Bare for about a year and feel this summarizes much of what I’m learning.

“EXPECTING more out of people than they’re able to give will hurt your relationships, not help them. People need the freedom to be who they are. That doesn’t mean they don’t need or want to change. But nobody appreciates being given the message, even subtly, that they must change in order to be loved and accepted. We’re more likely to change for those who are willing to accept us with our shortcomings, than for those who demand we live by their rules. One thing is certain: the universe does not change the people we’re trying to change until we adopt a ‘hands off’ policy. We must get out of the way.  Even when we think we’re hiding our disapproval, people still feel it. It’s in our voice and body language. Prayer (no matter how you do it) is the greatest agent for change, not pressure. If we truly love people we’ll pray and let go of them allowing the universe to work on them in it’s own time and schedule. Many of those who irritate us are simply being themselves; their personality just doesn’t mesh with ours. Sometimes we want them to change when we need to change. Often the things we require in other people are already available for us to enjoy, if we’ll just stop judging them. For change to be lasting, it must come from the inside out. ”

Author Unknown

In honor of Valentine’s Day, this week I am sharing something Greg Baer has on his website. He is the author of many books on real love. Check out his site www.reallove.com. It may just change your life.

A New Definition of Love: Real Love
By Greg Baer

Imagine that I tell you I love you. I smile at you, speak kind words to you, and perhaps even present you with a gift of some kind. Understandably, you enjoy this, as we all would. Five minutes later, however, I storm into the room describing a mistake that has been made, and while shaking my finger in your face and scowling with rage I say, “Are you the one who did this?!”

How loved do you feel now? That feeling disappeared the moment I entered the room, didn’t it? We’ve all experienced moments like this. For most of us, in fact, this has been a lifelong pattern. This kind of “love” is very disappointing and unfulfilling, because it vanishes when we make mistakes and when we fail to meet the expectations of those who “love” us. This kind of “love” is conditional.

There’s only one kind of love that can fill us up, make us whole, and give us the happiness we all want: unconditional love or true love. It is unconditional love or true love that we all seek, and somehow we recognize that anything other than that kind of love isn’t really love at all—it’s an imitation of the real thing. Unconditional love—true love—is so different from the kind of love most of us have known all our lives that it deserves both a name and definition of its own.

Real Love is caring about the happiness of another person without any thought for what we might get for ourselves.

It’s also Real Love when other people care about our happiness unconditionally. With Real Love, people are not disappointed or angry when we make our foolish mistakes, when we don’t do what they want, or even when we inconvenience them personally. Real Love is unconditional.

When I use the word happiness, I do not mean the brief and superficial pleasure that comes from money, sex, power, and the conditional approval we earn from others when we behave as they want. Nor do I mean the temporary feeling of satisfaction we experience in the absence of immediate conflict or disaster. Real happiness is not the feeling we get from being entertained or making people do what we want. It’s a profound and lasting sense of peace and fulfillment that deeply satisfies and enlarges the soul. It doesn’t go away when circumstances are difficult. It survives and even grows during hardship and struggle. True happiness is our entire reason to live, and it can only be obtained as we find Real Love and share it with others. With Real Love, nothing else matters; without it, nothing else is enough.

Am I a High-Impact Leader?

In my last two blogs, I’ve spoken about the High Impact Leader defined as the leader (results-driven and people-oriented) who builds credibility through a strategy that includes understanding the effect their behaviors have on others in the organization.  Take the time to see if the statements below describe you.  If some do not, then use them as a guide to making change within yourself.  The only way you will get where you want to go is by recognizing that your behaviors are way more important than your technical skills.  Together they can be a winning combination.

1. I am self-promotional when it is appropriate.  This means letting people know who I am and what I do without bragging, overpowering or overwhelming them.
2. I treat people well that don’t matter. I know they can’t help my career but I don’t expect anything in return; I just support them when appropriate.
3. I stay present in the moment when I’m working with others at work.  This means no texting, emails, iPhones etc.  I don’t send emails at 12:00 at night. I respect others boundaries and share mine.
4. I keep small promises.  Nothing builds credibility more than this behavior.  I never promise what I can’t do.
5. I inspire people and support them instead of isolating and have as little to do with people as I can.
6. I believe I can have impact on my employees, colleagues and organization.
7. Do I know and share my core values with others.
8. I exude confidence in my posture, mannerisms, dress etc.
9. I am clear on my personal and professional vision.
10. I align with advocates and network well.

Have a great week.

Can You Be Both a Results-Driven and People-Oriented Leader?

Last week I talked about the integration of two types of leadership; results-driven and people-oriented.  When combined these styles create the High Impact Leader sorely needed for today’s work force.  Most of us fall into one or the other category and very few have developed the skills of both.  If you are willing, these skills can be learned.  By using certain assessments including the 360, you can determine the professional development needed in this area.

The days of autocratic bullying are over and will destroy those who behave in this manner, no matter how excellent their technical skills. The high impact leader (results-driven and people-oriented) builds credibility through a strategy that includes understanding the effect their behaviors have on others in the organization.  This includes subordinates, coworkers and management.  When you combine behaviors needed for results with kindness, people respond to you differently.  Tanya Edwards of Edward Consulting states, “experience and research show that leaders and co-workers who demonstrate kindness and compassion, inspire others to act similarly.” In companies where I have consulted/coached this is what brings about superior results. Your respect of others paves the way for your credibility and success.

Next week I will discuss questions you can ask yourself to determine where you are on the High Impact Leader scale.

*The ideas presented are loosely based on information given in a presentation by Suzanne J. Peterson, Ph.D. professor of management at W.P.  Carey School of Business, ASU.