7 TOOLS FOR COPING WITH ENDINGS

In last Monday’s Pearl, I discussed the characteristics of endings and the process of feeling and working through our emotions. Below is a list of strategies for both work teams and individuals that will support them through an ending:

• Reach out to significant people and/or your team members to communicate your emotions, strategies and plans.  This is a good time to form a mastermind group.
• Recognize this is a process that everyone goes through and that it’s going to take time to get back to normal
• Become aware of your thoughts and concentrate on focusing forward, not backwards and rehashing what has happened. This is different than just letting yourself feel the fear, anger or sadness associated with the change event.
• Get involved in your community through a charitable cause.  Giving to others is a way to make you feel good.
• Acknowledge your past and be grateful for all of it, including the change event that caused the ending.  The universe is moving you forward to something bigger and better.
• Keep a gratitude journal each day and list the positive things that are happening.
• Get a coach so that you can move through what has transpired faster than you could alone.

THE FIVE STAGES OF ENDINGS IN OUR WORK AND PERSONAL LIVES

In last Monday’s Pearl I suggested that we leave legacies, large or small, every time there is an ending in our lives. What is the meaning of endings you might ask?  It means that something that existed in our life no longer exists and is causing us grief.  Some of the losses would include: a relationship, job, job transition, vacation, new home or location, effects of injury or illness. How deeply you feel your emotions is typically representative of the importance of the ending.  Please don’t underestimate this – every time there is an ending you will go through the stages of grief described below.

The characteristics of an ending and how they affect us:

1.     Typically most of us experience Kubler-Ross’ 5 stages of grief during an ending.

• Denial: You are in a state of shock, the world becomes meaningless.
• Anger: You might ask where God is in all this. As anger arises, be willing to feel it even though it may seem endless. Underneath your anger is great pain.
• Bargaining: You become lost in a maze of “What if’s”.  These statements reflect a need to blame ourselves and make promises that we will do something different to stop what has happened.
• Depression: This stage is where grief and sadness enter our lives at levels we may never have imagined.  Again, we must recognize that it is necessary to feel these emotions so we will move through them quicker.
• Acceptance: This stage is about accepting the reality that this loss has happened and things will never be the same again.  When you move through this phase you will find joy and happiness again.

2.  Expect your resistance, slipping back into the different stages during the process is common.  This never is a  linear experience during major endings.

3. An excellent way to cope with this process is to journal and familiarize yourself with the descriptions above.

Next week we will talk about personal strategies for an ending.

Many of you know that I am a follower of Ernest Holmes, a teacher, lecturer and writer who defined and established the Science of Mind philosophy.  In his book, “Basic Ideas of Science of Mind” he explains the nature of the laws of thought in a spiritual universe.  What I like about this book is that it gives a simple approach and method for living an abundant life.

Holmes points out that too often we have “negative emotional thinking and reactions which direct our decisions rather than the process of logical thinking.”  He also tells us “that when we deeply feel it establishes the pattern for which we will receive.”

In other words, our emotions have a great effect on what we create in our lives.  I like to describe it as reaction vs. response. Check out the easy chart under free resources I’ve created, to help you understand this concept on my website.

We all know that we have been given the freedom of choice by the Universe.  Man’s actions and thoughts do determine his welfare.  Understand that what you think and feel are crucial to the outcomes you desire in life.  When you take this very seriously and practice responding with positive thinking and belief you will have some miraculous results.

What is the work legacy you will leave behind?

Recently I have been hearing the word legacy used a great deal in reference to careers and business.  Wiki Answers states that, “legacy is whatever you leave behind when you are dead.” In my mind, it should be changed to “legacy is whatever you leave behind at the end of your life.”  Besides money these legacies can be stories you told, accomplishments or consistent behaviors that affected others. It can also mean being remembered as the go to person to go for love and/or wise advice.

All of us leave legacies when ending a job or career.  I want all of my readers to step back and reflect on their behaviors and actions in the work environment.  Then, ask yourself, ”How am I perceived?”  If you have trouble with this, you need to ask others what they observe.  This might be the most important action you ever take.  As I’ve said in previous Pearls of Wisdom, we all have scotomas (blind spots) that prevent us from “seeing what we need to see.” Do the exercise below even if it feels uncomfortable.  You will not regret it.

Ask three people the following questions. You must feel comfortable and trust these people to be honest with their answers. They don’t necessarily need to be in your present workplace. Do not ask family members as they cannot be objective.

• What are three of my best characteristics?
• What makes people want to work with me or not?
• Have you observed any scotomas that prevent me from being a well liked team player and/or leader?

There isn’t anyone I know who does not want to be successful or leave a positive legacy.  When you become honest with yourself then it will happen naturally.

Complaining Is a Distraction

Most of you who follow my Pearl of Wisdom and Standing Strong Blog know I maintain a spiritual edge towards my discussions of professional and personal development. Through working with hundreds of people, I’ve observed that the majority waste an inordinate amount of time complaining about what is not happening in their lives. Isn’t it time we become honest and aware of how we avoid the truth?  The majority of people choose to see life as difficult and use this thinking as a distraction to keep them from changing the way they think and act.  They have convinced themselves it is impossible to change.

I believe people can change their lives and stand strong by recognizing their misguided thinking. When they become willing to trade the time they spend complaining and use it to become quiet and go within, the honest answers appear.  It is only in this silence that we can hear the messages that guide us to heal and bring forth our ability to see the incredible joy and beauty of life. We can learn to open, receive and claim all that life offers.  There are miraculous gifts waiting for those who choose this journey.

Without Vision Life, Careers and Business Cannot Survive

This is the last week of The Standing Strong: 3 Steps to Success series. The third step is: create visions, set challenging goals and build plans of action.  The third step is the one that most people don’t follow and prevents them from having a chance for sustained success. It is amazing how few people and businesses spend their time working on visions and the plans that will make them happen. It’s these same people who are perplexed as to the reasons nothing has changed or been created in their lives, careers, or businesses. Without vision there is no hope. Without hope there is stagnation and even death.

The clearer a vision is for a life, career, and business the higher the chances of success. Thinking and believing in visions paves the way for universal law to set into motion the necessary energy that brings the vision into reality. People don’t understand or believe this concept and actually fear what has been proven in physical science. It is true that once the “thinking” work takes place including the goals and needed actions, the universe does take over. It knows nothing else than supporting bringing about what is needed to create the vision. When people truly understand this concept they cannot help but be successful. For those of you who struggle with this concept please check out my book, Say It See It Be It.

Goals are just the vision broken down into steps that can be followed by performing certain actions. When belief is strong the needed actions become easier. Things start falling into place more quickly. The right people and circumstances appear. Those who are negative and should not be involved fade away. Think about a time when you truly desired and believed that an event, object or situation you wanted to happen manifested itself easily, almost miraculously. This is a real example of what I have been describing. Stop! If you haven’t followed my suggestion, then go back and do it now. You will have the proof to believe that what I suggest in this pearl works.

You might say, “I or the team have tried this many times and nothing happened.” Then I will answer you by saying, “the negative belief system that exists in your mind(s) is stronger than the positive one”. Work needs to be done on beefing up your beliefs. When you truly believe you can create or change something in your life, you can.

Live from a positive mindset exuding and inspiring confidence in others 

This week we will be looking at the second step of a three step formula on creating the success you desire, “live from a positive mindset exuding and inspiring confidence in others”.  This step was presented in the January 16^th Pearl of Wisdom.  If you missed it, please check out my blog.

Do you see yourself as a positive or negative thinker?  Most people have a difficult time seeing or understanding the depth of their negativity.  This scotoma blocks them from understanding the major reason for not reaching higher levels of success. In chapter four of my book, Say It See It Be It: How Visions & Affirmations will change your life; I give many symptoms and outcomes of negative thinking.  Becoming familiar with these symptoms will help you recognize your negative actions and thoughts.

The world of Quantum Physics has proven that the universe, including humans, is made up of energy, not matter. This is not actually new thinking. It dates back thousands of years to the ancient rishis in India.  Scientific studies have shown that as you go deeper and deeper into the workings of the atom, you see that there is nothing there – just energy waves.  These studies help explain how our thought is made up of atoms, thus energy. It proves we have the ability to control what we create. Success lies in your own mind.

If your thoughts are negative you will manifest negatively and if your thoughts are positive you will manifest positively.  We all have the ability to think what we please. Then why not declare better circumstances for life and work.  If you can develop and train yourself to make use of the habits listed below you will reach new levels of success

1. Become observant of your actions, words, and thoughts.
2. Become willing to rephrase your negative words and thoughts.
3. Discover the causes of your negativity and the blocks that prevent you from giving and receiving all that the universe offers.

Understanding your Behavioral Style

“Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom.
Mastering others is strength, mastering yourself is true power.”

                                                                        Lao Tzu      

Last week I introduced a formula with three steps that are a MUST for building on the successes you have already achieved.  Today we are going to discuss the first Step, Understanding your Behavioral Style.  Research shows that the majority of people in corporations, who are terminated for cause, have difficulty interacting and communicating with their peers, subordinates and superiors.   In most cases, it’s not their deficiency in technical job skills, it’s their inability to understand how to interact with others.   How, then, do we learn to communicate with others even though we cannot relate to their thinking and ways of doing things?   People who truly want to be seen as “Leading Achievers” consistently work on discovering and understanding their actions, motives and beliefs.  

Everyone has blind spots when it comes to seeing how they behave, think and perform.  These are called scotomas.  Our belief systems affect our behaviors and actions towards ourselves and others.  Scotomas limit us, because we cannot see how our belief systems are affecting our behaviors.  For example, we may not be able to see our strengths because of poor beliefs about ourselves, or how we treat others because of certain false beliefs we hold about certain types of people and their behaviors.    

Become committed to discovering and letting go of the beliefs you have, which get in the way of your performance.  Work on yourself by doing personal inventories.  To help with blind spots, find a mentor, coach or support group  that will help you “see what you cannot see”.

There are many behavioral assessments available that will help you understand your behaviors and reactions.  One instrument is the DISC.  I am certified in it and have worked with hundreds of people to help them with self-discovery and better communication with others. It’s a great way to get started.  If you are truly interested in learning more about the DISC, contact me about the many ways you can experience the DISC inexpensively and enhance your existing success.

 Stand Strong.

Am I Successful? 

January is a time for self-assessment.  It’s the beginning of the year and most people see it as a fresh start.  What’s interesting is they never stop to answer the question, “am I already successful”.  Instead, they are very mentally hung up on the reasons they have not achieved more.  When people concentrate on their non-achievement, they are re-enforcing the very thing they do not want to be happening.  This type of thinking says to the Universe, “I am not successful”.  

The Law of Cause and Affect then brings lack of success right back to them.  Isn’t it time you accept your achievements to date and celebrate them?  This is the thinking that will take you to even higher achievement and success.  In the next three weeks, I will be discussing the formula stated below which you can work on from a mindset of already being successful. Think about what you have already achieved in each step and “then and only then” choose the areas where you want to build on this success.  

Standing Strong:  Three Steps to Success

1. Step One—Understand how your behavior affects others and how your reactions affect other people.
2. Step Two—Live from a positive mindset exuding and inspiring  confidence in others.
3. Step Three­—Create visions, set challenging goals and build plans of action.

Arlene’s Executive Leadership Training Tips

Five Tips for Coping with an Angry Boss

I just left a meeting with an executive of a 6 million dollar company who is working for a “grouch”.  This boss is uncommunicative, spends company money without qualifying the need and “yells” when things don’t please him. Wow!  Talk about creating stress for his employees.  The sad thing is he has no idea about how much resentment and non-productivity he is causing.  Below are some tips I shared with my client

        1.        DETACH—Let’s define this word.  It means that you no longer take personally anything the “angry” person says or does. You are going to emotionally separate yourself from their inappropriate behavior.

        2.        STOP—No longer be the victim of an “angry” person. Silence any words of defense that come to your mind. Recognize that this is his problem and say, “I hear your anger” or “I see you are upset”.

        3.        ACKNOWLEDGEMENT—Many times, it’s okay to just nod in a way that shows you are listening.  Let them rant and rave if necessary (which some people do).  Verbally mirror back what you have heard. Groveling is demeaning to you and reflects a lack of self-respect. There isn’t a person I know who doesn’t need to be acknowledged, even if what they are saying is absurd. You do not have to agree at this point in the conversation.

        4.        PATIENCE—Wait until the individual has quieted down.  Decide in your mind the best time to discuss the situation. It might be best after you have acknowledged them to say, “let me think about all this” and wait a day to create solutions. 

        5.        CHANGE—your attitude. Stop “hating” the “angry” person or being indifferent to them and instead, realize their anger is their problem.  Being hateful, resentful, or indifferent is the easy way out and no one benefits.